


YouTube presents: Billy on the Street with Richie Tozier!!

by kyaticlikestea



Series: Richie Tozier is famous and loves his boyfriend, OK [7]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Bisexual Eddie Kaspbrak, Comedian Richie Tozier, Game Shows, Gay Richie Tozier, M/M, POV Outsider, Social Media, Twitter, spoiler alert but there is absolutely no cheating or affairs in this fic, this has very chaotic energy and i'm not sorry about it, transcript fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-01-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:46:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22258924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyaticlikestea/pseuds/kyaticlikestea
Summary: Richie:Oh, we had the engagement bacchanal already.Billy:I’m talking about the steamy pre-marital affair!Richie:Ah, yeah. I haven’t got round to that one yet. It’s on the agenda, obviously. I actually have it pencilled in for next Thursday, because Eddie has a pottery class.Billy:God, I hate him.Richie:Yeah, he’s a piece of shit.Billy:So are you ready? We’re gonna find you a hot piece of gay to have an emotionally turbulent tryst with in the weeks before your wedding, and we’re gonna pay him a dollar for the privilege, and it’s gonna be a total moral grey area, but it’ll be great for our viewcount.Richie:It’s too late to back out, right? Spagheds, I am so sorry -Billy:No time for regrets! We’re gonna get you ploughed before you say your vows. Come on!Billy Eichner takes it upon himself to scour the streets of New York in order to help soon-to-be movie star and current fiancé, Richie Tozier, have one last wild week before his wedding. No-one seems too enthused, least of all Richie himself. It's the thought that counts.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: Richie Tozier is famous and loves his boyfriend, OK [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1530359
Comments: 104
Kudos: 1007





	YouTube presents: Billy on the Street with Richie Tozier!!

**_[Video upload title: Billy on the Street with RICHIE TOZIER!!!!, uploaded January 14th 2020]_ **

**1.2M views**

**Richie Tozier's first ever big movie role in horror flick THAT is due to hit screens in just a few months, only a few weeks after the wedding of the century (his, obviously). Always keen to be a good friend, Billy hits the streets of New York with the beloved comedian and notorious romantic to find Richie an exciting New York fling to spice up his last few weeks of unmarried life.**

**Starring: Billy Eichner and Richie Tozier**

_[We open on our host, Billy Eichner, holding a microphone attached to an impossibly long cord. Seriously, that thing is at least 20 miles long. It’s crazy. Next to him stands Richie Tozier, hands shoved uncertainly in his pockets. He’s wearing bright red Converse shoes, jeans that were probably skinny once, and a dark green shirt with light blue hotdogs on it. It’s not his worst item of clothing.]_

**Billy:** Hey guys, it's Billy. We’re here with adored comedian, gay icon and soon-to-be movie star, Richard Wentworth Tozier - 

**Richie:** Can't wait for the Twitter trolls to find out that's my middle name. 

**Billy:** \- who, as anyone who’s anyone knows, as well as quite a few people who are no-one, has recently gotten engaged. _[He turns to Richie]_ Congratulations on achieving your gay agenda. 

**Richie:** Thank you. My certificate from the Gay Illuminati is in the post, I’m told.

 **Billy:** And so now, as a fellow gay, I have graciously taken it upon myself to make sure that he doesn’t miss out on the most sacred, most beautiful, most tender of gay rituals. 

**Richie:** Oh, we had the engagement bacchanal already. 

**Billy:** I’m talking about the steamy pre-marital affair! 

**Richie:** Ah, yeah. I haven’t got round to that one yet. It’s on the agenda, obviously. I actually have it pencilled in for next Thursday, because Eddie has a pottery class.

 **Billy:** God, I hate him.

 **Richie:** Yeah, he’s a piece of shit.

 **Billy:** So are you ready? We’re gonna find you a hot piece of gay to have an emotionally turbulent tryst with in the weeks before your wedding, and we’re gonna pay him a dollar for the privilege, and it’s gonna be a total moral grey area, but it’ll be great for our viewcount. 

**Richie:** It’s too late to back out, right? _[Billy nods at him, sombrely. Richie looks at the camera]_ Spagheds, I am so sorry -

 **Billy:** No time for regrets! We’re gonna get you ploughed before you say your vows. Come on! 

_[They set off on a run down the street, Billy taking the lead, Richie following close behind. His run is not a gainly run. It is, perhaps, what you might deem ungainly. We can’t all be athletes. He does manage to keep up, however._

_They pass a few people, until Billy runs up to a man wearing a rainbow patterned bucket hat, a light denim jacket and bright orange sneakers, and shoves the microphone in his face.]_

**Billy:** Sir! Sir! Are you one of us?

 **Rainbow hat man:** Jesus Christ - _[he notices the camera]_ what the - is this that YouTube thing?

 **Billy:** We’re syndicated on Netflix now, how dare you? Answer the question, sir! Are you one of us? _[He gestures between himself and Richie; the man looks very confused, obviously wondering what ‘one of us’ entails]_

 **Rainbow hat man:** … what, a comedian?

 **Billy:** I can’t with him. You do it. I'm gonna lose my mind.

 **Richie:** What my socially challenged buddy is trying to ask you is if you’re a huge gay.

 **Rainbow hat man** : Oh! Um, yeah? But like, a regular sized one. You two are really tall.

 **Richie:** You’re gonna wish you said no, honestly.

 **Rainbow hat man:** I mean, I’m wearing a Pride hat, I couldn’t really lie about it.

 **Billy:** Shut up, I picked you because of my excellent gaydar. Sir, for a dollar -

 **Richie:** I need to get that hat for Eddie, actually. It’s more Eddie than Eddie himself. Can I steal it? It’ll be a great story for you to tell at Thanksgiving this year.

 **Rainbow hat man:** Uh, yeah, sure. _[He takes off his hat and gives it to Richie, who puts it on and grins delightedly]_ So, you’re that guy, right? The comedy guy, with the shirts and the boyfriend? 

**Richie:** _[waves]_ I only have one of them on me currently. I really wish it was the boyfriend. He would have talked me out of this. 

**Rainbow hat man:** Out of what? What even is this? Is this for television?

 **Billy:** We don’t have time for this gay nonsense! God! Sir, for a dollar - is Richie Tozier a twink or a dilf?

 **Rainbow hat man:** _[narrows his eyes, looks at Richie]_ Definitely not a - wait, you don’t have kids, do you? I’m pretty sure you don’t. I remember that tweet you did about how your boyfriend got you a pregnancy test once when you were being grouchy, and then you drew a positive line on it and told him you’d peed on it and chased him around the house with it. 

**Richie:** Good times. I did actually pee on it, by the way.

 **Billy:** Again, sir, twink or dilf? For a dollar! 

**Rainbow hat man:** _[to Richie]_ So do you have kids, then?

_[Billy looks at the camera incredulously as the man dodges his question again]_

**Richie:** I have approximately zero kids, but according to Eddie, there’s a good chance that I am one. Which I keep telling him reflects worse on him than me, but he won’t listen. 

**Billy:** We’re not here to make friends! Stop being so personable and off brand! Answer the question, oh my God. Oh my God. There’s no time!

 **Rainbow hat man:** Um - he’s a twink, I guess?

 **Billy:** A twink? A _twink_? Do you have eyes?

 **Rainbow hat man:** Well, I mean, he can’t be a dilf, he’s not a dad - 

**Billy:** Oh my God, it’s about the _vibe_ , he is not a twink! _[to Richie]_ I am so, so sorry, Richie Tozier.

 **Richie:** I mean, I’m not offended.

 **Billy:** I am! _[to Rainbow hat man]_ No dollar for you. Negative one dollars. A fistful of scorn. Goodbye! 

_[Billy pulls Richie away from the now hatless man, and they take off in a jog down the street for a few seconds. Billy is approaching breathlessness. Richie is not]_

**Billy:** How are you not out of breath? I’m exhausted, and I do this for a living! 

**Richie:** Uh, my boyfriend kind of got me into yoga a while ago, and I guess I’m accidentally fit now. I’m not happy about it.

 **Billy:** How do you accidentally get into yoga? Bullshit!

 **Richie:** He got sick of me ogling him in his yoga shorts and told me he wouldn’t wear them unless I joined in. I did what needed to be done for my quality of life.

 **Billy:** Oh my God, stop being gayer than me. How are you gayer than me? You’ve been gay for, like, five minutes!

 **Richie:** I’ve always been gay!

 **Billy:** But not a yoga gay. Oh God, maybe you _are_ a twink. Maybe I owe that guy a dollar. _[He looks at Richie again]_ Oh, no. I definitely don’t. 

**Richie:** Now I’m offended. 

**Billy:** Oh, don’t be offended because you’re not a twink, my God. 

**Richie:** I could totally be a twink! 

**Billy:** You’re 11ft tall and you dress like my dead grandma’s couch. 

**Richie:** Maybe your dead grandma’s couch was a twink.

 **Billy:** It was a bear, actually. 

**Richie:** I should introduce it to Eddie’s mom’s couch. They’d probably get along.

 **Billy:** Eddie’s mom sounds like the exact reason I’m gay. 

**Richie:** Tell me about it. 

**Billy:** Oh! Here’s one!

_[He shoves the microphone into the face of a nearby middle-aged woman wearing a black wool coat. She’s also currently on the phone]_

**Billy:** Ma’am! For a dollar, would you have an affair with this man the week before his wedding?

 **Coat lady:** What - _[to the person on the other end of the phone]_ Hold on, Susie, I’ll call you back. Two tall men are yelling at me. _[She hangs up, and turns to Billy and Richie]_ OK, ask me that again. 

**Billy:** For a dollar, would you rent a holiday cottage with this man on the coast of England and let him show you the true meaning of pleasure for one sensual week, before abandoning you to marry the love of his life?

 **Richie:** That’s, uh, a lot of pressure on me.

 **Coat lady:** _[to Richie]_ Aren’t you gay?

 **Richie:** 100%. Rounded down from 103%.

 **Coat lady:** And you have a boyfriend, right? I swear you were on TV with him last night.

 **Richie:** Oh, you’re one of the three people in America who watches the Graham Norton show! Yeah, that was him. He’s my fiancé, actually! 

**Coat lady:** Wow, congratulations!

 **Richie:** Yeah, thanks! I’m pumped about it. It’s such a fun word to say! Kinda bummed that ‘husband’ only has half the mouth feel. 

**Billy:** There’s a dollar at stake here! Oh my God. Oh my God. You have the attention span of a flea.

 **Coat lady:** I feel like he doesn’t want to have an affair with me. 

**Billy:** Oh, he does!

 **Richie:** I mean, it would be the heteronormative plot point that made my whole narrative palatable to the masses, right?

 **Billy:** What he said. And also he likes your coat.

 **Richie:** It’s what my pal Bev would describe as ‘classic’. 

**Coat lady:** Thanks, I like your hat. 

**Richie:** Thanks! I stole it from a random man about two minutes ago. 

**Coat lady:** This is a very weird Thursday for me. 

**Richie:** It's a Tuesday.

 **Billy:** Ma’am, the dollar is going, going, gone…

 **Coat lady:** It has to be a no from me, because your fiancé always seems like such a cool guy - 

**Richie:** Oh, he’s never been cool a day in his life.

 **Coat lady:** \- but, um, good luck with the wedding planning!

 **Richie:** He’s doing it all, and luck absolutely doesn’t come into it, just his untethered rage, but thanks for the good vibes!

 **Billy:** Enough of this! Shame on you, lady! You broke his heart! 

**Richie:** You didn’t, don't wor - 

_[Billy grabs Richie by the arm before he can finish apologising, and they take off in a run again]_

**Billy:** I don’t know what I was thinking, trying to set you up with a woman. You wouldn’t even know what to do with her. 

**Richie:** She was definitely too good for me. I kinda wish I could’ve stolen her coat, though. 

**Billy:** Oh, like it would’ve fitted you. 

**Richie:** It would fit Eddie! He'd look cute!

 **Billy:** We’re not here to thrift, we’re here to get you laid! Oh look, I think there’s a gay over there - 

**Richie:** How can you even tell?

_[He runs over to a man who looks to be in his thirties, wearing an oversized denim jacket and a t-shirt with a cola can on it. Billy thrusts the microphone in his face]_

**Billy:** Sir! Sir! Are you gay?

 **Cola dude:** Um, sort of?

 **Billy:** What does that even mean?!

 **Cola dude:** I’m not straight, if that’s what you mean.

 **Billy:** I’m really looking for bonafide, card-carrying gays. 

**Richie:** _[frowning]_ Well, my fiancé is bisexual, so if I’m going to have a torrid affair with anyone, maybe it’s only poetic that it’s this guy. 

**Cola dude:** Thanks, I think?

 **Richie:** You’re completely welcome. 

**Billy:** Stop falling in love before my eyes! _[He turns to Cola dude]_ Sir, for a dollar, would you have a sexually satisfying yet ultimately doomed love affair with Richie Tozier before his wedding?

 **Cola dude:** _[laughing nervously]_ What the fuck?

 **Billy:** I can’t with this moron. _[To Richie]_ Can you explain?

 **Richie:** Uh, Billy thinks I need to have a short-lived but explosive affair before I get married. 

**Billy:** And he’s getting married in a month, so we’re running out of time! 

**Cola dude:** You’re engaged? Oh man, congratulations! That’s awesome. I missed that on Twitter, I guess.

 **Richie:** Thanks, it’s pretty much the best thing that’s ever happened to me. 

**Cola dude:** Only pretty much?

 **Richie:** Yeah. The best thing was when my fiancé first let me make out with him. Sucks that the wedding won’t live up to that, but you know how it is. When you've tasted paradise...

 **Cola dude:** So why do you want to have an affair before your wedding?

 **Richie:** I mean, I don’t - 

**Billy:** For the queer narrative, Oliver, oh my God.

 **Richie:** _[laughing]_ Yeah, for the queer narrative.

 **Cola dude:** Explain. 

**Billy:** We don’t have time! He needs to fuck! 

**Cola dude:** Explain briefly?

 **Richie:** For the drama. My fiancé and I spend all our time eating omelettes and being disgustingly in love. 

**Billy:** I can’t stand this! For a dollar, would you let Richie Tozier ruin your life for one haunting week before his wedding? It’s a simple question!

 **Cola dude:** Um, I’m gonna have to pass on that. Not because you’re not hot! You have, um, the jawline and the glasses and the _[he makes a gesture which shows how tall Richie is]_. I just totally think you guys have the best relationship and, um, sometimes I screenshot your tweets to each other and send them to my partner, and then they send me screenshots of their favourite ones, and it always gets me laid, so I feel like I owe it to your boyfriend - um, fiancé - to not bone down with you. But I appreciate the offer. Thanks.

 **Billy:** Not even for a dollar?

 **Cola dude:** _[eyes up the dollar]_ Yeah, OK, for a dollar. 

**Billy:** _[snatches the dollar away]_ No dollar for you! You told Richie Tozier he was hot but didn’t even mention his artfully scruffy facial hair as a reason. Goodbye forever!

 **Richie:** Tell your partner I appreciate their support! 

_[Billy drags Richie away again, and Cola dude waves as they leave. They jog onward]_

**Billy:** I don’t know how much more of this I can take. This is so emotionally taxing. We’re never gonna find the one for you. I’m too gay to be this stressed.

 **Richie:** I already found the one for me! He’s 5ft 7 and has to fold up the sleeves of my sweaters three times when he wears them! 

**Billy:** We’re not looking for Mr Right! We’re looking for Mr One Week Right Before Your Wedding. He’s gotta be here somewhere. _[He spies a man approaching]_ This is him! I can feel it. This is the one.

_[He jogs over to a middle-aged man wearing a huge white t-shirt and a yellow baseball cap, and shoves the microphone at him]_

**Billy:** Sir! Sir! For a dollar, would you give this bear your number?

 **Baseball cap guy:** _[walking away]_ Fuck you. 

**Richie:** _[calling after him]_ That’s homophobic! 

_[Billy looks at Richie, who shrugs]_

**Billy:** He wasn’t the one. 

**Richie:** I’m devastated. And also not a bear. 

**Billy:** Maybe people just don’t know you’re gay. That’s probably the issue. You look too much like my straight uncle Paul. 

**Richie:** I don’t think - 

_[Billy spies a woman walking past them wearing a hot pink puffa jacket, and thrusts the microphone at her]_

**Billy:** Ma’am! For a dollar - for a dollar, how gay is this man?

 **Puffa jacket lady:** Oh, I don’t know. Uh. 

**Billy:** We don’t have time for critical thought! For a dollar! 

**Puffa Jacket lady:** Maybe an 8?

 **Billy:** _[to Richie]_ Is she right?

 **Richie:** Uh, no, sorry. It’s a solid 10. 

**Puffa Jacket lady:** Does that mean I don’t get the dollar?

 **Billy:** Hell no!

 **Richie:** That’s capitalism, sorry.

 **Puffa Jacket lady:** It’s fine, I’m rich. 

_[She walks away nonchalantly, and Billy sighs as though his world is ending]_

**Billy:** If this next person isn’t the one, then you’re just going to have to be doomed to monogamy. Ugh.

 **Richie:** _[holding back a laugh]_ Poor me. 

**Billy:** This next one’s it, though. I’ve got a feeling. 

_[He shoves the microphone at the first person he sees, a man who looks around 35 and is wearing a t-shirt with TRASHMOUTH FOR PRESIDENT written on it in Comic Sans]_

**Billy:** Sir! Sir! For a dollar - 

**Comic Sans man:** _[to Richie]_ Holy shit. It’s you. Oh my God. My - can I say this? Is this weird?

 **Richie:** I live with a man whose favourite swearword of the week is ‘fuck nipples’, so it’s definitely not gonna be the weirdest thing I’ve heard today. 

**Comic Sans man:** God. OK. I just. I’m like, your biggest fan - 

**Richie:** No way. You’re what, 5’10?

 **Comic Sans man:** \- but I'm, uh, also a huge fan of your boyfriend.

 **Richie:** Fiancé, but yes, go on, always happy to talk about him for hours at a time.

 **Comic Sans man:** Fiancé! That’s amazing, I totally didn’t know. 

**Richie:** _[throws up his hands]_ No-one does! I have no clue why. My Twitter name is literally ‘My Fiancé Is Gonna Be A Tozier’ and my photo is me crying after accepting his proposal. I thought it was pretty obvious.

 **Billy:** It’s super obvious.

 **Richie:** Thank you! _[He waves his hand around]_ I’m wearing a ring and everything! 

**Billy:** It’s a beautiful ring. _[Richie eyes him incredulously]_ What? I can be nice!

 **Richie:** It’s _so_ nice, right? I had absolutely no say in it, thank God. I’m just glad he didn’t propose with a hula hoop like he’d been threatening to.

 **Billy:** I’m having the best conversation about fine jewels but we need to get back on topic! We’re running out of time! _[He turns to Comic Sans man]_ For a dollar -

 **Comic Sans man:** _[interrupting]_ It’s just that my boyfriend _totally_ has a thing for your boyfriend. Fiancé. Sorry.

 **Richie:** _[putting his face in his hands]_ Oh my God. 

**Billy:** Oh, _interesting_. A plot twist. Tell us more.

 **Comic Sans man:** He’s going to kill me.

 **Billy:** I’ll kill you if you don’t! I’m a man on the edge, sir.

 **Richie:** He really will. This is a man with blood on his hands, let me tell you. 

**Comic Sans man:** It’s just… oh my God. My boyfriend can never see this. God. OK. Sometimes we go on Twitter and read Eddie’s tweets about you, and… we may or may not have memorised some of them.

 **Richie:** Some of them?

 **Comic Sans man:** Most of them, honestly. We text each other quotes from them all the time. 

**Richie:** It’s not that I don’t believe you, but I need to see the proof of this. For my spiritual health.

 **Comic Sans man:** Oh God. 

**Richie:** Think of it as a wedding present. 

**Billy:** The affair is supposed to be your wedding present!

 **Richie:** They’re not mutually exclusive! _[He turns to Comic Sans man]_ You don’t have to, don’t worry. I got carried away with the bit.

 **Comic Sans man:** No, it’s - I can’t believe I’m showing you, but here. _[He takes out his phone, unlocks it, scrolls for about 3 seconds, then shows the screen to Richie]_

 **Richie:** _[reading aloud]_ ‘Hey babe, your sevenhead looks great today, did you get bangs?’ Ah yes, a swoonworthy line.

 **Comic Sans man:** It’s iconic. 

**Billy:** Not to fucking take centre stage on my own show, but this has given me the _best_ idea. 

**Richie:** Why do I feel like I'm about to hate this?

 **Billy:** _[ignoring him]_ What if you don’t have to have an affair after all, not even for the queer narrative?

 **Richie:** I accept. Done. It's a deal. I was wrong, that's a great idea.

 **Billy:** _[ignoring him again]_ Eddie could have one instead!

 **Richie:** _[putting his head in his hands again]_ Oh my God. 

**Billy:** It’s perfect! He meets up with this twink’s boyfriend, they go out to some - to some awful reproduction ‘50s diner, they split a stack of pancakes, they get a strawberry milkshake - 

**Richie:** Eds is lactose intolerant, he’d bitch about it the whole time. I wouldn’t wish that on this guy’s boyfriend. 

**Billy:** \- they get a glass of diet cola, one glass, two straws, and they sit and stare into each other’s eyes, and they think… we can have this, and only this, for a week. It’ll be beautiful!

 **Comic Sans man:** He’d be up for it, honestly. 

**Billy:** What do you say, Richie? It’s what the straight audiences want! 

**Richie:** I - _[he dissolves into giggles]_ Fuck, I don't know. I can't answer that for you. I think we should call Eddie. 

**Comic Sans man:** _[whispering reverently]_ Holy shit.

_[Richie takes out his phone, which we can see has a photo of Eddie wearing one of Richie's tour t-shirts and laughing hysterically as his background. He fiddles around with it for a few seconds and calls Eddie, putting it on speakerphone. Eddie answers after 3 rings]_

**Eddie:** Rich?

 **Richie:** Hey, babe.

 **Eddie:** … hi? Why are you phoning at _[a pause as he obviously checks his watch]_ 3.30? I thought your filming thing didn’t finish until 5. Are you done early? Do you need me to pick you up?

 **Richie:** _[has been miming ‘cute, cute, cute’ the entire time]_ No, no. Still filming. 

**Eddie:** … so I’m on camera?

 **Richie:** Well, your disembodied voice is, yeah. Say hi to the viewing public, Eds!

 **Eddie:** Hi, viewing public. Did you need something, or is this one of those things where you tell me that my dulcet tones will increase the video hits?

 **Richie:** Don’t be such a narcissist, Spaghuardo. It’s not always about you being literally the most attractive man on the planet. Swipe that thought from your mind. I have a man here whose boyfriend wants to have sex with you. 

_[silence for a few seconds]_

**Eddie:** What the fuck?

 **Richie:** Make love to you, Spaghedward. A bit of slap and tickle. Make the beast with two backs. A bit of how’s your father. Bring an al dente noodle to the spaghetti house. Rummage in the cellar. Shooting the meat rocket - 

**Eddie:** I know what sex is, dickwad. 

**Richie:** Oh, I know you do, Eds. 

**Eddie:** Jesus Christ. I need someone who can form a sentence which isn’t comprised entirely of euphemisms to explain to me what’s going on, so that I can put the phone down and know what to tell my therapist when I call her straight after.

 **Billy:** Hi Eddie Kaspbrak!

 **Eddie:** Uh, hi? Is that - 

**Billy:** Yes, it’s Billy Eichner, off of Billy on the Street, the famous webshow, now available to stream on Netflix worldwide. 

**Eddie:** Hi, Billy.

 **Billy:** Hi! Eddie, can I ask you a question?

 **Eddie:** I feel like you’re going to ask me one regardless of what I say.

 **Billy:** You’re so right, and yet I’m so offended. Eddie, do you want your wedding to Richie Tozier to go down as one of the gaytest in history?

 **Eddie:** Uh, not really?

 **Billy:** Wow. 

**Richie:** Oh, Eds. 

**Eddie:** No, I mean - I just want to get married. We could get married in a barn like the one you grew up in and I wouldn’t care. It doesn’t have to be the greatest wedding in history, although fuck you, it’s gonna be, because I’m planning it. All I care about is that we end the day married. That’s literally the sum total of my goals for the foreseeable future. It’s not like we’re entering some fucking weird wedding competition, although for the record, I still think it would have been kinda cool if you’d agreed to go on Say Yes to the Dress.

 **Richie:** That’s so romantic, babe! The first thing, not the Say Yes to the Dress thing, because we talked about that, and we agreed that the potential for me to say something so embarrassing that it actually caused the end of marriage as an institution was just way too high. 

**Eddie:** Yeah, I know, but it would still have been cool to see a guy get fitted for a fancy tux on that show for a change. I’m so sick of tulle. 

**Billy:** Gays! 

**Eddie:** Hey - 

**Billy:** And bi, sorry. We need to answer the question. Eddie, this man here has a boyfriend who would love nothing more than to make a dishonest man of you. He has the sensual touch of a masseuse and the vigor of a man half his age, unless he’s already only 24, in which case his vigor is age appropriate. Will you do him the honour of having an affair with this man’s boyfriend?

 **Eddie:** Uh, no. Sorry. 

**Billy:** Did you even _think_ about it?

 **Eddie:** I… didn’t really have to. 

**Richie:** That’s my Eds.

 **Eddie:** Wait, why are you even asking this? Is this the theme of your episode? Trying to get me to have an affair? That’s really weird.

 **Richie:** Uh…

 **Billy:** You’ll have to see when it comes out. Bye, Eddie! 

**Eddie:** Wait, what the fuck -

_[Billy presses hang up on Richie’s phone]_

**Richie:** Oh man, I fucked up. There's no way he's gonna wear the shorts tonight. 

_[Richie’s phone starts ringing immediately; his ringtone for Eddie is The Power of Love by Celine Dion. He doesn’t seem remotely embarrassed. This time, it’s not on speakerphone]_

**Richie:** Hey, babe… no, I don’t actually want you to have an affair, God. He’s - yeah, no, it’s all for the bit, obviously. I know, I’m excited too! Did you tell them to do the lactose free icing - yeah, of course you did, sorry. I, uh, bought you a really cool hat today, very expensive, very luxe. Oh man, come on, you can’t use the shorts as a bartering tool, Spagheds, I’ll die, you'll literally have to marry my corpse…

_[He wanders off screen, still on the phone._

_Billy stares at Comic Sans man. Comic Sans man stares at Billy._

_Billy clears his throat and rummages in his pocket, pulling out a crumpled dollar bill.]_

**Billy:** Here’s your dollar. 

**Comic Sans man:** Thanks, man.

 **Billy:** He’s definitely gonna call you.

_[Screen cuts to black]_

* * *

_Comments liked by Richie Tozier_

**Anna Maria:** lmao richie has bde (big dilf energy) and billy is right to say it

 **Henry Kaspbrak:** if anyone is watching this from Say Yes to the Dress, thank u for your service, u tried and we appreciate it

 **eddiekaspbreakmyheart:** 'it's fine i'm rich' can't relate tbh

 **Janet J:** Ok but the photo Richie has as his background just cured my acne????? Watered my crops?????? Made my dad call me back??????

 **notreddiebuteitchie:** like this comment if you've ever called your fiance and asked if they want to have an affair with a random dude's boyfriend in the street

 **Grace Pritchard:** Absolutely cannot believe the audacity of that man to send Eddie's sevenhead tweet to his partner when Eddie's tweet about how Richie looks like an albino Babadook is CLEARLY superior

 **tozehard:** he’s absolutely not gonna call you

* * *

> **Richie ‘My Fiancé’s Gonna Be A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> For anyone who ever thinks that @ekaspbrak is too mean to me on Twitter, this is the kind of shit he has to put up with in return, so let’s call it even
> 
> [embedded video title: _Billy on the Street with RICHIE TOZIER!!!!_ ]
> 
> **Eddie ‘Not Much Longer A’ Kaspbrak** **✔** **_@ekaspbrak_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> I still think a few tweets about your sevenhead are less mean than literally begging half of New York to bone down with you the week before our wedding, but maybe I’m old fashioned.
> 
> **Richie ‘My Fiancé’s Gonna Be A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @ekaspbrak_
> 
> You ARE old fashioned Eds, you bought a tablecloth on eBay last week
> 
> **Eddie ‘Not Much Longer A’ Kaspbrak** **✔** **_@ekaspbrak_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> Yeah, I’m going to use it as a funeral shroud for when I murder you. No jury would convict me.
> 
> **Richie ‘My Fiancé’s Gonna Be A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @ekaspbrak_
> 
> Wait until we’re married, babe. You can cash in on that sweet sweet life insurance
> 
> **Eddie ‘Not Much Longer A’ Kaspbrak** **✔** **_@ekaspbrak_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> Yeah, OK. I guess I can hang on until then. Roll on, our wedding.
> 
> **Richie ‘My Fiancé’s Gonna Be A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @ekaspbrak_
> 
> Now I’m worried you’re only looking forward to it because you get to murder me straight afterwards
> 
> **Eddie ‘Not Much Longer A’ Kaspbrak** **✔** **_@ekaspbrak_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> I’m actually looking forward to it because I get to see you in something tailored.
> 
> **Eddie ‘Not Much Longer A’ Kaspbrak** **✔** **_@ekaspbrak_**
> 
> _replying to @ekaspbrak @richietozier_
> 
> And then I get to be married to you, which is pretty cool, I guess. :-)
> 
> **Richie ‘My Fiancé’s Gonna Be A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @ekaspbrak_
> 
> RIP me
> 
> **Richie ‘My Fiancé’s Gonna Be A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @ekaspbrak_
> 
> Cause of death: my cute cute cute fiancé puts noses in his emojis and I can’t deal with it
> 
> **Richie ‘My Fiancé’s Gonna Be A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @ekaspbrak_
> 
> Sorry Eds, I died before our wedding and now you can’t murder me
> 
> **Eddie ‘Not Much Longer A’ Kaspbrak** **✔** **_@ekaspbrak_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> I’ll go get the tablecloth.

**Author's Note:**

> I know that Billy on the Street is a somewhat more niche thing than the focus of the other parts of this series, but I have a total soft spot for it. If you've not seen it, go and binge it immediately. [Your new addiction.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Zja_cIAwY8&t=2s) You're welcome.
> 
> Thanks, as always, for the support on all the installments so far! I think there'll be three more parts... this is a good way to spend your 27th year on Earth, right?
> 
> And yes, the Graham Norton episode referenced in this fic will be more than a reference soon, because I hate myself, apparently.


End file.
